09 March 2009
Down and out-ish
27 February 2009
Facing Future
27 October 2008
I Only Smile In The Dark
08 October 2008
American Civics 101
25 July 2008
Rhythm
We wandered to the sea
Hoping to find some comfort there
Yearning to feel free
And we were mesmerized by the lull of the night
And the smells that filled the air
And we laid us down on sandy ground
It was cold but we didn't care
'Cause we were drawn to the rhythm
Drawn into the rhythm of the sea
'Cause we were drawn to the rhythm
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea
~Sarah McLachlan, Drawn To The Rhythm, Solace, 1991
I've fallen in to a rhythm, a routine with the new job, that feels right, somehow, as if things should have been this way a long time ago. Days fly by. Often, the first time I look up after lunch it is after 4. Weeks have disappeared.
"Busy" would be an understatement. If I could tell you, interweb, all about the neat-o projects I'm working on, I would. I can't. Y'all know I don't ever talk about my current employer. That's danger, Will Robinson, danger!
I'm thanking the powers that be for my OCD, though, because my list-making
I hate to even say things like this out loud for fear of tempting The Fates, but so far I feel like I'm passing with flying colors. (Does it count if I type it? Hmmm.)
Each week has its goal, things that need accomplished, and while there aren't Monday tasks, Tuesday tasks, et cetera, there is a certain pulse to what goes on each day. It is an odd combination of structure and ever-changing that seems to suit me, as if it was tailor-made.
I've even managed to become an early riser again, tossing off the lingering after-effects of the Lex. I maintain that it was the Lex which caused the complete alteration of my diurnal clock, changing me from a morning person to a night owl. Despite ANY scientific evidence to support that belief. Whatever. I know my own body, and I know how I felt while taking it and once quitting it. I also know that it has taken nearly two months for that inability to rise and shine to fade. It was beyond weird. I didn't want to get out of bed because there wasn't much point (as I saw it) and that was/is part and parcel of depression. But the Lex made me tired, so tired that I couldn't wake, let alone get up. I'd wake when the alarm went off, and think, "Five more minutes." And the next time I opened my eyes, three hours had gone by. Ugh. That really didn't work for me. Bad rhythm!
This rhythm is more subtle, and more to my liking. An ebb and flow that I don't feel like I'm fighting against. Finally.
The point of most of this rambling was to let you know that I won't be able to post daily for a while in the near future, when things get exceedingly hectic for a few weeks. The rhythm then will be a little more staccato, a little more hurry, hurry. I want you to know I haven't slipped back down that well, that I am, in fact, back among the living. Just crazy-busy.
25 June 2008
Lead. Follow. Or GET OUT OF THE WAY.
The above title is something that was on the wall of my father's office, for as far back as I can remember. He clipped it out of the Wall Street Journal in the late 70s or early 80s, from a quasi-cartoon feature they had called "Graffiti." When he retired last year, that yellowed clip was put in a box with pictures of my sisters and I, and a collection of stuff he'd accumulated over 30-some years of running a business. He had pointed to it often, in conversations with customers, employees, vendors. He said it often at home, too.
Now *I* say it. All the time. The phrase means a couple of different things to me, but mostly it is this: it is time for SOMEONE to make a decision when I say, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way."
I know that as most people age, they hear the things that their mothers used to say, or a nagging grannie, and it horrifies us when we hear ourselves saying things we swore we'd never say. This phrase was never one of those for me, but I find I hear lots of things that my dad said coming out of my mouth. Dad-isms. Another favorite was "Everyone has 24 hours in a day." That one was pulled out in response to my sisters or I whining that we didn't have time to do something, and glorr-eeee, did that one annoy me. And now? I say it to people frequently, in response to their lack of time-management skills.
Ahh, time management. I feel like I've suddenly got lots less time, because I'm spending more time at work. As if someone has sucked at least 4 hours out of my allotted 24. I'm not writing as much as I'd like, nor am I exercising as much as I ought. I'm tired, quite a lot, and I know that'd get better if I could get to the gym, but it isn't so much happening. I set the alarm, and it goes off at 05.15 every morning; just about once a week I'm able to haul my butt out of bed to get to the gym. I did make it to a yoga class at another gym last week, at a very, very early hour, and felt great that day. It isn't as nice of a gym as my YMCA, but they offer about 10 times more yoga classes than the Y does.
Spending my days in an office means that an old shoulder injury acts up when I'm in a chair for lots of hours. I have excellent posture (if I do say so myself) so it isn't because I'm hunching over the computer screen whilst sitting at my desk. I try to get up, move, stretch often, but despite doing all of that, the shoulder tightens up and the only remedy that ever works is going to see Mr. Magic Fingers, the massotherapist. Which also cuts into my available time.
Vicious cycle!
I wish I could find that scrap from my dad's office, because I'd put it up in my office too. It was little, but it spoke volumes.
17 June 2008
Want it OR Delayed Gratification
I know, talking about money, my money, your money, any money that isn't tax dollars, is kinda verboten in contemporary American society. I don't care. Much.
Hilariously, every time I've been back to Sweden since my exchange year, I've been asked how much money I'm making. I think that's funny because when I asked my best Swedish friend how she was doing after the death of her dad in 2002 when I visited in 2003, there was a collective gasp in the room and an awkward silence. Oooookay, then. Asking me how much money I make is OK, asking you how you're dealing with an incredible loss, not OK. I get away with doing things like that because I'm not Swedish, they forgive me the intrusion because they know that Yanks are a wee bit more open then they are. I had prefaced the question by saying, "I know y'all don't talk about this, but I'm going to ask anyway..." but even so, every other conversation in the room ceased, and all heads turned my way.
I felt bad for embarrassing my friend, because she didn't like being the center of attention, but I know everyone else in the room wanted to ask, and couldn't. We moved to another room for a more private conversation, and she told me she was doing OK, giving more detail that she might have otherwise given someone else. I apologized for putting her on the spot, and the subject was not brought up again during the remaining time I spent in Sweden.
When they've asked me about money, I'm never embarrassed, just usually shocked into silence for a second, until I remember that this isn't a taboo subject there. And then I need to do some quick mental math to figure out how much the figure is in kroner. I consider the folks in Sweden family; and I don't care if they know how much money I make. Besides, they answer honestly when I turn the situation around and ask them.
Suddenly, with my new job, I've got a little more of it than I have in a loooong time. (OK, we get it, you like your new job. Get over yourself already, will you? ~ editor)
And since I have more, I want to spend more. There's a bunch of bento accessories I want, since I'm using my bento box daily. Rice molds, sauce bottles, egg molds, a sushi mat, teeny-tiny cookie cutters....oh, and I'd like a few more bento boxes, just because they're so cute.
I'm really vain, and I want to have my teeth whitened. I know, I know, that's a very silly, very expensive, and very vain thing to do. But. I had a professional portrait taken recently, and was appalled, really appalled, at the color of my teeth in the picture. I asked the photographer to whiten them with his neat-o digital photography tools and he obliged me, thankfully, because I didn't want my teeth showing at the color they really are.
I want to go to a con later this year, and that costs money too.
Plus there is a credit card I want to pay off, all sorts of "stuff" I want for the house: a self-winding hose reel, because doing it manually is a pain in the ass, new lawn furniture, a new bed, a new dishwasher, a new stove, and I'd like a cleaning lady....of all of those, only the dishwasher is something that we need. Our current one is dying a slow, painful death. It works, but it takes several hours (more like 8) to run the basic wash cycle.
Oh, and the car needs new tires, the current ones are so bloody noisy and crappy. Not to mention a new car is in the future, a year or two down the road.
But I can't just go and buy all that stuff willy-nilly. I need to save, take some time to build my savings back up.
I'd be doing my part to stimulate the economy, true, if I did rush right out and buy all that stuff, but growing maturity and perhaps the fact that my parents retired recently has me thinking about needing to save for my own retirement. Going to work for a new company means that I've had to fill out all the paperwork for a 401(K) all over again, and at some point, I'll have to get my act together and get the little bit of money from the old job rolled into an IRA.
Y'know there's a good reason I'm not working for the financial industry anymore. 'Cause jeebus, that stuff is dull! Thank goodness I have someone I can rely on for that stuff; I could do it myself, yes, but I don' wanna.
Retirement savings are the ultimate in delayed gratification, no? You're working, you're working, you're saving, and day-to-day, you don't think about retiring. You don't think much about the future. Most of us don't think much beyond tomorrow, or next year. But especially for women, this is a vital issue. Not that you boy-os don't need to think about it, but in general, you make more money than we do, and in general, you don't live as long as we do. So you've got more money at the end of your working life, and you don't need it for as long. Sorry. Them's just the facts.
Are you saving enough?
14 June 2008
I mizzes you!
And then some!!
Now I'm not only working full time, I'm staying late at work, working through my lunch time, excited about what I'm doing for a living, into a routine that has me not spending any time at all on the 'puter in the evenings. I'm behind on a whole lot of correspondence, both real-world and webby.
I miss my writing. I miss working on the book, which I haven't done since March. That's a whole 'nother story....but y'all know I luurves me a tangent.
My fears of being less prolific a writer when I'm in a better mental state turned out to not be unfounded. I think, unfortunately, that when I'm in a bad mental place, I'm a better writer. There's a fine, fine line between depths of despair and that place where I was churning out 10-15 pages of the novel a day, though. This past winter, I was perhaps more of a mess than I was in the spring of 2007, when I admitted that there was a problem and I needed some help.
Doc gave me an additional anti-depressant this past winter to add to my med regimen, and it helped, but not a lot. I couldn't write, hell, I could barely get out of bed. The days got longer, though, and the sun returned from its winter hiatus. I started to feel better, the job situation started to look like it might change (I think the old job was at least 85% of the problem) and suddenly, whoa, I was feeling like I wasn't worthless any more.
But the creative spark hasn't come back from wherever it disappeared to at the end of last summer. Writing here on the blog has never been a problem. The problem is that the fiction writing isn't happening. The novel writing came from nowhere, and disappeared back into nowhere. I miss that, but I accept it (well, mostly), because I no longer feel so horrible.
I also miss writing a daily update here on the blog. I regret that I haven't had a lot of time for it since I started this new dreamy job. My dad has something that he's said my entire life that I mostly am annoyed by, although it is true. Dad says, "Everyone has the same amount of time. 24 hours in a day. It is about what you choose to do with that time." Lately, I've been choosing to sleep a little more and blog a little less. I like sleep! And I'm managing it without nightly sleeping pills. I do still take them, but not every night. Thankfully, because I think they're more dangerous for the potential of dependence than the anti-d's.
I'm constantly thinking of ideas for blog posts, thinking about ways to turn the things I see and think about into snapshots of life, stories that I can tell. But by the time I get home each night, I'm wiped out, in need of sleep to face the next day. There are posts galore sitting in my mental queue, even a few that I've scribbled ideas into Google Docs, but they haven't been finished. I miss it, I miss reading everyone else's blogs, I miss all of ya!
Still here, doing much better, working! But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. I am. More soon.
03 June 2008
Strain
I have an actual office, a real office, not a cubicle, at my new job. With! A! Door! Ahhh, when I was working for Ye Olde Evile Bank, I would have given a kidney to have my very own office. Not to mention a door that I could close when two of my cubicle neighbors would be throwing paper clips at each other, or loudly discussing confidential information about our clients. Good times, good times. NOT!
The new office is large, and it had all a girl could want; computer, phone, desk, bookshelf, second desk, table, boxes of crap behind the door, heaps of copies of stuff with outdated logos...no, wait, someone with OCD does not want heaps and piles of unusable junk. The two desks, particularly, boggles the mind. No, the office did not have two occupants previously. Plus there is a table that is as big as a desk, THREE guest chairs, a bookshelf, too much 'stuff' in that space!
I spent about 2 hours of my first day re-arranging furniture and bringing things to other staff members and asking, "OK if I throw this away?" I did get it to a point where it looked like the spacious office that it is, but there was one problem. My back was to the door, no matter what I was doing. On the computer, working on the desk's surface, talking on the phone....eventually, it gave me the heebie-jeebies, I was looking over my shoulder every ten seconds.
So the second day on the job, I'm re-arranging furniture, for the second time in two days and I'm sure my co-workers have decided that I'm bonkers. Will she do this every day? they're wondering.
The answer to that is a decided no.
Moving 'my' desk, a huge L-shaped monstrosity, wasn't much of a problem that first day. Sure, it took me a while, because I'm a stubborn fool, and I didn't ask for help. It is heavy, it has to weigh at least 150 pounds. Solid wood. But I quickly figured out that pushing it instead of pulling it worked better, and that the office is longer than it is wide. Not a lot of maneuverability, y'see.
I wasn't in the office for more than an hour the second day when I decided that the back to the door thing wasn't going to work for me. Damn! I just got all my pencils sharpened to exactly the same length and placed in neat rows, the sticky note pads put in a careful pile of smallest on the top and largest on the bottom, like goes with like...and now I've got to unload the whole freaking desk again because full of files and whatnot, that sumbitch weighs 400 pounds if it weighs an ounce.
Moving it the second time around was a challenge. A big challenge. Took me forever, and while the furniture is now in a place where I think it will stay, along with the overflow moved someplace other than my office, moving it left me drenched in sweat, wishing that there was a shower stall in the restroom, because I would have showered in a second if there had been one. The fact that I would have had to put the sweaty clothes back on.....well, we don't need to think about that in our fantasy world of what the perfect office would be like.
I hurt after manhandling the desk twice. A little achy here and there, letting me know that I don't hit those muscles during my workout sessions and need to improve. DH has an appointment this week with my magic massotherapist, and believe me, I'd steal it in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the fact that he's done something to his shoulder that is making him miserable. 'cause I think the phrase for this week should be
Ohhhh, my aching back!
02 June 2008
Dawn of the Day
I start my new job today. I'm a little nervous, a lot excited, and as usual, running late, so you'll have to forgive the brevity of the post.
My biggest problem this morning?
I don't know what to wear.
29 May 2008
Delete, delete, de-lete
~Billy Joel, Movin Out, The Stranger
My G-Mail account had 596 contacts. 'Had' is the operative word there, but still. Do I even know 596 people? Sweet Goddess, how did that happen?
G-Mail has a bunch of features that are amazing; it was the first searchable e-mail, it stores e-mail as 'conversations' so that when you exchange 33 e-mails with your boss, there are not 33 new e-mails in your in-box, and it saves every single e-mail address you ever enter, every e-mail address that is on a distribution list when you receive a mass e-mail from one of your friends.
That last one is something I love to hate, because that, my friends, is how I ended up with 596 contacts.
Looking at that contacts list gave me a headache, because except for the folks that I imported originally from Hotmail when I switched, the names weren't entered properly, some e-mail addresses didn't have names attached to them at all, it wasn't in alphabetical order. (Gasp!)
It needed cleaned up, but I really didn't want to spend precious online time doing that. But I couldn't stand looking at it.
I use Evites for event invitations when and where I can, and I was cleaning up my e-vite address book after doing an import contacts, and that's when I noticed that the contacts list was so out of control that something needed done about it.
Who were these people? I didn't even recognize a handful of names. For a while at the non-profit job, HQ sent out mass e-mails to every director of a chapter in the United States. Oy. The directors loved it so much that they often had 3-5 e-mail exchanges going on, asking each other how to handle issues from unruly board members to PITA staff. While it made for fascinating reading most of the time, it got out of control, and eventually it calmed down as the novelty wore off, and as HQ set up a blog/message board where these conversations could take place.
That was the first batch of people that had to go. Except for the ones in this region, those whom I still exchange the occasional e-mail, delete, delete, delete. You, you, you, and you, gone! I selected about 80 addresses right off the bat but when I hit delete, G-Mail says, "Sorry. We can only delete 20 contacts at a time. Please select fewer contacts and try again." Grrrr! That's annoying.
Little by little, though, I got it cleaned up. After the initial mass deletions, there were 175 people left. Still, I'm not sure I know and more importantly, like 175 people. Cleaning up the list means it has to be done right and proper, names entered as lastname, firstname and if that person has multiple e-mail addresses, they need stored under ONE contact listing.
Which, of course, took hours to fix.
Hours as in it was ONE AM when I shut off the computer and went to bed.
When I went to bed, though, I had the list down to 139.
Perfect for a clean slate, a new start.
Why?
Well, I start a new job on Monday. Movin' up indeed.
28 April 2008
Reticene
Online, sometimes I am more brutally honest than I would be in real life. The perceived anonymity of the 'net leading me to say more than I ought. Outside of the computer, I've learned a few really tough lessons about over-sharing.
Once upon a time, in the Dark Ages, when I worked for Ye Olde Evile Bank, I joined an international women's organization that strives to better each community it exists in. That'd be a no-brainer for someone like me, you would think. One night, at a regular monthly meeting, after an abysmal day at Ye Olde Savings & Trust, I shared a few of the details of my horrible day with the group of "ladies" (I'm using that term as sarcastically as possible here) I sat with at a large round table.
I had been working on an estate with a large funeral bill, and the attorney for the estate had called me with a total number for the dollar amount on the check. The law firm promised to fax an invoice later, and assured me that the dollar amount they gave me verbally was the correct amount for the bill. Accordingly, I cut the check and sent it off through Ye Olde's back office operations.
Of course it was incorrect. And of course, it was too late in the day to get the check back from the processors who were in another city when the law firm called me to say, "oops!" (Ye Olde relied very heavily on a courier service.) And who looks like the asshole in that situation? Me. No one likes to be made to look like an idiot, and I was very upset over the whole situation, and angry with the law firm's lackeys.
From those details above, could you figure out who the stiff was? Who the legal firm was? What city or state the dead person lived in? No. No, you can't. And yet, some 'lady' from that table of women I sat with that evening proceeded to call not my boss, and not his boss, but one step above that, and tell the big honcho that I had broken banking secrecy laws. As you can imagine, working for a department that had the word "Private" in its official name, breaking banking secrecy laws was taken extremely seriously.
What, you thought my old department really called itself the Stiffs Division?
Anyway, I got hauled in to the head honcho's office and read the riot act. For a good hour. The honcho told me that the only reason this meeting was not to announce to me that I was fired was because this sort of behavior was not typical of me.
In my head during this meeting, my inner monologue sounded something like this:
Let me get this straight. You're believing some phone call from some random person about my public behavior over me? I've worked here for seven years. I can't believe that you're taking the word of some yahoo over me.
Or at least, that was part of the inner monologue. The rest of it wasn't as civil as that. Not surprisingly, Ye Olde wouldn't tell me who the caller had been, but as I sat around a table of 8 women the previous evening, and only one had the most tenuous connection to Ye Olde (she was in the financial services industry, and had met the honcho the year before) I wonder who it might have been. Gee. I dunno. Maybe the only one who knew the director? Wow, maybe, possibly, perhaps.
When I got back to my desk, shaken, angry, bitterly disappointed, nearly with smoke pouring out of ears, the first thing I did was draft a letter of resignation from the women's organization. Pounding the keys with all of the frustration I couldn't manifest in a cube farm, (like screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" at the top of my lungs) the first draft of the letter was a bit less than polite. Eventually, I calmed down enough after I got home that night to hand write a very polite and prosaic letter, simply stating that the time required to belong to the organization presented a conflict with my current employment, and that I hoped at some future point to be able to work with them again. Warm regards, yada yada yada. The only thing that might have betrayed my irritation in that letter was the fact that the fountain pen I use for such missives made a nice FIRM indentation on the paper, so if you had turned the letter over, and you could decipher written words by touch, there was plenty of detail for you to feel. No, I didn't tear the paper, but it came awful darn close.
The truth of the matter was that Ye Olde's honcho who drug me into the office strongly suggested that I resign. An employer can't fire you for belonging to an innocuous charitable organization on your time off, but they sure can (and sometimes do) look for any excuse to let you go if you're doing something they don't approve of with your time off. I suspected at the time, and still suspect, that had I not resigned, my tenure at the bank would ended sooner than I intended, and not by my own personal choice.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me as far as Ye Olde was concerned. I had been hunting for another job, just not with vigor and purpose up to that point. After that day, I focused my efforts on getting the hell out of there before they made me into an old and bitter harpy.
A few months later, I handed in my notice when I got the non-profit job. My direct supervisor, who was a wonderful person, knew that the dust-up with my volunteerism had a lot to do with my quitting, but I was careful to not vocalize it to anyone, lest it bite me in the ass one day. Because it was only one out of literally hundreds of reasons I wanted the hell away from the bank.
A difficult lesson. On many levels. It taught me a bitter truth about working with women; sometimes we work even harder than the boys do at dragging each other down, which is a dammed shame. It also made me more reluctant to trust, and a bit more reserved in social situations for a good long while. Eventually, that wore off, and today I'm just as boisterous in a social situation as I always have been. I'm just usually more circumspect about what I say. I keep my venting about miserable days to a trusted few friends, people who I know would never work behind the scenes to get me fired.
It has also left me with a mystery that I suspect I will never solve, until and unless I ever confront the perpetrator. Which would, in a town this small, be social suicide. What on earth did she hope to gain? Was she after my miserable nineteen thousand dollar a year job? I find that nearly impossible to believe. Did she hope to curry favor with the honcho? I really can't imagine what favor the honcho would ever show her, given the negativity of this event. Even people who thrive on the misery of others don't remember events that were awkward and difficult for them with relish, and lemme tell ya, AWK-WARD isn't even close to the tension that was in the honcho's office that day.
I have made a new friend through my current job, a nice woman who has a wicked sense of humor to match mine, and shares some of my complaints about the place, but I've had to obfuscate and be less than 100% truthful with her in conversations I've had with her, because I'm afraid that she'll run to the employer and tell them how serious my job hunting is.
And isn't it sad that an event that happened more than four years ago still affects me that way? As women, we need to stick together and look out for one another. The powers that be at the top of almost any business are men, and even in this day and age, as a professional woman, I've run into more bozos than I can count who think that women belong at home, barefoot and pregnant, or if they are in the office, they certainly shouldn't be in positions of power, being the fragile and emotional things that we are. If I live to be a thousand, I'll never understand chauvinism, or what makes certain people tick.
On the other hand, what a dull world it would be if we were all 100% alike.
The reason I'm thinking about this today? I've been invited to join the organization again, and I'm wondering if I should jump at the chance, for the major networking benefits it offers, or if I should walk away, seeing as last time around it nearly cost me my job. I'm reluctant on one hand, and excited about the possibilities on the other. A bunch of cliche`s, useless and unhelpful, keep running through my head. Once bitten, twice shy. Everyone deserves a second chance. You don't shit where you live. Make hay while the sun shines. Hard work is its own reward.
None of which is helping me make up my mind. Welcome to the street where I live: Indecisive Way!
04 April 2008
Does this EVER work?
The e-mail's subject is: Interested in your resume.
There is no body. There is a signature line, and a telephone number. There is an attachment, which is copied and pasted here, no alterations made by me, I swear. (other than changing the name to protect the guilty, and obscuring the name of the town where the office is located.)
I have reviewed the resume you placed on Career Builders and would like to discuss a position with our company. We are currently interviewing for career-oriented professionals. If you are interested in learning the details of this career opportunity, call our office to arrange an appointment and interview. Our office is located in n and the phone number is 555-555-5555.
Susie Clueless
General Manager
Large Multinational Insurance Conglomerate
Next, this isn't a letter. Nor does it qualify as a note. Sending a letter of interest to a potential job candidate should interest the candidate in the job, provide some basic information about the job (which, yes, this does, but only in the most vague possible manner) and perhaps most importantly, not show the candidate that you're a raving moron without any knowledge of letter-writing.
Finally, you can tag your resume on career builder, to let potential employers know what you're looking for. I have in my comments a few things that are rather direct, but hopefully avoids wasting my time and the potential employer's. It says (not in so many words) that I have no desire to EVER return to the financial services industry, which includes, but is not limited to, insurance firms, banks, stockbrokers. It says that I'm not interested in and will not attend cattle-call style interviews. It further goes on to say that I loved the non-profit industry, and that I am most interested in returning to that field.
Is any of that unclear? Because I've gotten calls from 2 brokerage firms and e-mails from several insurance companies. Helloooooooo? Not! Interested!! I want OUT of sales, not to move to another sales job under a slightly different moniker.
Am I the only one who can read the directions? Really? 'Cause I'm starting to think so.
21 March 2008
Talent
{Editor's note:OMFG, you are such a dork.}
The only thing that's been a hassle about Ravelry is that they use Flickr for photo-sharing and I prefer Picasa, 'cause I'm such a Google fanatic. If that's the biggest complaint, well, then, there's not much of a problem, is there?
My whole family uses Picasa, which makes it very easy for the sisters in NYC and CA to post pictures of their adventures and then the rest of the fam can take a look and see what they're up to. I posted recent NYC pics the other day and sent my mother a link so she could see us playing in traffic on the bikes.
The parents are living in Flo-reeeda these days, and I don't like them being so far away. So I talk to them nearly every day, just to check in, to allow them to harass me about how much better the weather is there, to keep them up to date with the trouble that I'm causing. I mentioned the recent spate of frenetic knitting I've been doing to my mum, and then sent her a link to the Flickr photos so that she could see the hats and scarves I've been making like a madwoman.
She shot me back an e-mail, praising the beauty of the things I've made and telling me, "You're very talented."
Will I ever get to the point in my life where compliments don't make me uncomfortable? Will I ever get over the urge to devalue myself? Because my gut reaction to that was a snort, an eyeroll, and the thought 'talented? not really.'
Knitting is a learned skill. You don't come out of the womb with the ability, but then, anyone who does have an innate talent, like a prodigal harp player, also has learned the skill. They may have been born with the ability to play the harp better than you or I, but someone had to show them how to pluck those strings just so to make beautiful music.
I have told this story so many times in real life that I don't know if I've ever written about it, so if I have told it to you, interweb, sorry for repeating myself. I learned how to knit at a yarn store, an upscale boutique that caters to a very special breed of needle-craft nutcases. Walking in there is sensory overload; the tactile pleasure of plunging your hands into yarns that are displayed in cubbyholes, the textures of which are soft, rough, smooth as silk or scratchy stiff wools. I find it soothing, the vibrant myriad of colors, the way things are organized into yarns for specific projects.
My first knitting class was a disaster. Unmitigated disaster. There were about 8 women in the class, two of whom were deaf and read lips. Everyone in the class left that first two-hour session with a square knitted potholder. Everyone, that is, except me. Even the hearing impaired were able to follow the spoken instructions well enough to comprehend and make something. I cried the whole way home, an hour plus drive. I was so frustrated! The instructor and I just weren't communicating at all during that first lesson. It wasn't a personality thing; I really like her. I just didn't get it that first day.
I worked diligently on the needles they gave us over the next week, and somehow, eventually, I figured it out and was able to knit. Something just clicked at one point. Good thing, too, because I had been feeling like I was obviously some kind of moron for not understanding.
Over the years since, sometimes I'm really into the knitting, and sometimes I don't touch it for months. I'm like the moon that way; waxing knitting or waning knitting. Currently waxing, of course. You wouldn't have EVER guessed that, would ya? Considering the amount of time I've spent writing about it lately. Usually when the weather gets nicer, I lose some interest, because knitting something made of a heavy wool isn't all that appealing in July when the temperature hovers around 28C or 85+ F. We'll see what happens this year, because ATM? I feel like I'm missing something if I don't have a project to hand that I can work on. I knit while watching TV. I knit while riding in the car. (Not while driving.) I knit while BS-ing with friends. I did some knitting in the subway in NYC. I'd knit during meetings if I could get away with it. I feel compelled, driven to it, a sense of urgency. So many things to do, patterns to try, things I want to make.
Is that talent? Or just my usual OCD-ness? I'm voting for OCD.
Something that I do honestly believe is that I have an affinity for learning languages, an innate talent to make the connections in my head that make it easy for me to pick up a whole new set of vocabulary. But again, learned skill. If I hadn't been an exchange student, I would have never known this about myself; living as I do in the midst of the Midwest, there just isn't all that much opportunity or need for the ability to be bi-or-trilingual.
I'm not very good at my present job. At all. Part of the reason I want to find another job is that I'm not excelling at this one. I'm enough of a type A personality that I want to be the best at everything I do, try, or touch. The job too is a learned skill. I understand how to do it, I'm just not doing well with it. I want to do fantastic with it, but I'm beginning to think that it just isn't all that possible for me to do well at this particular job. It is a bad fit, all around. I disagree with the employer about nearly everything, from politics to procedures the office follows. I think that the ability to excel at this work has to be an inborn trait, one that I don't have.
Urgh, I can't do this online. Getting way to close to writing solely about work, got to stop doing that.
The Discovery Channel has a commercial that I've been entranced with lately, the backing music fascinated me the first time I heard it. So I googled some of the lyrics and discovered the name of the band, Mute Math, and the name of the song, Typical. The lyrics are relevant to this post, and my feelings about my job; can I excel at it? Can I stop being 'typically' bad at it, break the spell?
Everyone has some talent, something that they're good at, something they can do better, smarter, faster than someone else. Breaking out and finding that something is the trick.
I'll leave you with the lyrics.
Come on, can’t I dream for one day
There’s nothing that can’t be done
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone
‘Cause I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never
Can I break the spell of the typical
I’ve lived through my share of misfortune
And I’ve worked in the blazing sun
But how long should it take somebody
Before they can be someone
Cause I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never
Can I break the spell of the typical, the typical, the typical, uh huh
I'm the typical
I'm the typical
Can I break the spell of the typical
Because it’s dragging me down
I’d like to know about when
When does it all turn around
I'm just the typical
I'm just the typical
Yeah I know there’s got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I’m feeling like it’s now or never
Can I break the spell of the typical
The typical, the typical, uh huh
Of the typical
Break the spell (of the typical)
Break the spell (of the typical)
Can I break the spell of the typical, of the typical
I'm just the typical
I'm just the typical
I'm just the typical
I'm just the typical
18 March 2008
Dear Applicant
Thank you for your interest in the position at Institution ABC.
The search committee has reviewed resumes and wishes to inform you that we have interviewed candidates and hired a candidate whose background and experience is more suitable for the position. We encourage you to monitor our website for further position announcements.
Thank you for taking the time to apply for the position and for your interest in the institution and making a difference. I wish you well in your job search.
Sincerely,
Jane Smith
Urgh. If I get another one of these letters this week, I'm going to run away, live off the grid, breed sheep, use their wool to spin into thread, and knit for a living. Or something.
Yes, the letter above is copied and pasted from my e-mail, with the name of the institution obscured and the position I was interested in removed.
The hell of all of this is that I'm starting to lose that most precious of human commodities, hope.
Each time I send my resume somewhere, I'm so hopeful that I'll be able to leave behind the job that I don't like. I get an interview, or I get a positive initial response, and the hopes raise higher.
Then I don't get the job.
The rejection tests my strength, often making me want to climb into bed and hide away from the world for a while. Some days I'm successful; some days not. I haven't lost all hope yet, but I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to find another job. More importantly, will I ever find a job that I love as much as I loved my non-profit work?
I did get an offer for one I interviewed for last week. Unfortunately, I only went to the interview because it never hurts to stay in practice and have a chat with a potential employer. It was a waste of my time; I knew within seconds of walking in the door that I would never be able to work in that office. Full of overgrown fraternity boys and misogyny to spare. And then the job was to be an investment broker; thanks, but absolutely not. Ever.
I'm smart; creative, funny, polite (sometimes), eloquent, talented....I could go on. I've got a 4 year degree, speak 3 languages, am an incredibly quick study.
Too bad that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I could figure out what to do with all that potential.
Perhaps I should say *IF* I grow up; at the moment, I don't think there's much danger.
11 March 2008
Anti-Climatic
I went through a few hours of interviews and testing. It was a cattle-call kind of thing, there were 40 people there, some who applied and others who were recruited like me.
Now because I'm always purposefully vague about what I do for a living, I am not going to tell you the name of the company, but I can tell you that they told us over 75000 people have applied for 1400 positions. The 40 odd who were in that room made it through several cuts to score an interview.
They hired 4 or 5 people on the spot. I am extremely disappointed that I wasn't one of them. They told the rest of us that they will be in touch within the next 3-4 weeks.
What does that mean? Well, on the bright side, it means that they haven't said 'thanks but no thanks' to me. On the downside, which is where I am right now, this could be a kiss-off. I simply don't know.
I do know that I now want the job even more than I did before I came for the interview.
I am stuck in a loop of bummed out thoughts right now. What did I or didn't I do or say that I wasn't one of those lucky 4? Why wasn't I good enough? You'd have barely recognized me over the last few days, as I've been in this sort of state of giddy anticipation.
I was so sure that I was going to get it. So sure that I actually slept well last night in an anonymous hotel room, far from my own warm and snuggly bed and DH.
I know that tomorrow, it will be easier to be holding on to some hope, but tonight I think I will indulge in a good, mature pout.
06 March 2008
Take the call
A telephone rings.
Me: "Stiffs Division, this is Lucy, how may I help you?"
Customer on phone: "Ah, Lucy, is Mr. Smith in?"
Me, after glancing at the phone lines to see if he's on his line: "May I tell him who's calling?"
Customer: "John Doe, on the Jones estate."
Me: Hold the line, please."
Switch to Joe's line. "Joe, Attorney Doe is on the line. Do you want the call?"
Joe: "Sure, I'll take the call."
This scene repeated itself over and over and over during the four or five years that I was Joe's assistant. My duties were primarily secretarial in nature, although there wasn't much that "Joe" did that I didn't do, and vice versa. We were a team, and a good one.
He had the law degree that I lacked, but he was never condescending or arrogant. Funny things happen when you work with estate cases and your clients are the dead folks. We had a good time most of the time. Joe was easily the best boss I've ever had, he taught me quite a bit about how to manage people, taught me how I wanted to be when it was my turn to be the boss someday.
As things progress toward to the next job in my career path, I had an instance yesterday where I had to decide if I was going to take the call and move forward or let it go to voicemail and stop what has become a runaway train. This company that is interested in my Swedish speaking abilities has been moving at light speed, a bullet train that I am not powerless to stop, but something that I've got to run like hell to catch.
I still want it.
I can't believe how quickly this has happened. Two phone interviews and arrangements for travel to a distant city (still stateside, if you're wondering) in the last two days. The travel is for a face-to-face interview.
Striking me speechless is a tough thing to do, but when the second phone interview wrapped up with the interviewer telling me that she was pleased to tell me that I'd passed through the stages far enough to come for a face-to-face, someplace that's about 1500 miles from home, at their expense, well, I couldn't think of much to say beyond, "Oh. Goodness."
Eloquent.
04 March 2008
Workin' It
My RL friends are rolling around on the floor laughing right now, as I've been bitching so much lately about my current job. I'm sure they're in disbelief that I'd even hesitate on taking anything else.
Once upon a time, in the non-profit world, there was a board of directors that I reported to. Last week, I ran in to one of the board members, and told him about my unhappiness with my current job. He suggested that I send him my resume.
I like this guy. But I don't know if I want to work for him. So as of yet, I haven't sent it to him. I don't know if I want to.
I use yet another e-mail address other than lucyarinatgmaildotcom for my job searching; and because I get so much junk from Career Builder and Monster dot coms, I don't check it daily, nor does it come to my crackberry. I did check it today, and I have an e-mail from a company, suggesting that my Swedish language skills are much in demand.
HA! That's the first time in, oh, MY ENTIRE LIFE that I've ever heard that my Svensk abilities are in need anywhere in the world. Swedes, after all, by and large speak pretty flawless English. So although my language abilities in Swedish are just about at the level of a native speaker, no one has ever told me that they needed those mad skillz.
I'm not sure what to do about this. Run with it, or ignore it. Somewhere in the middle?
Throughout my entire life, I've taken the path of least resistance. I worked for ye olde evile bank in college, and once I graduated, it was far easier to look within the bank for a new job than search elsewhere. Even so, I stayed at the job I was at through college until nearly 6 months after graduation, because nothing exciting in the internal postings caught my eye. When something finally did, the transition was flawlessly easy.
When I left the bank, that was a leap of faith, but also an easy choice. Working in the non-profit world was deeply satisfying, although extraordinarily stressful. When I was unemployed last summer, I looked hard for work, but my current job was also something I just kind of slid into.
Methinks it is time for a change in that line of thinking. I keep replaying the lyrics to that Eminem song I'm so fond of over and over in my head.
Look, if you had
one shot
or one opportunity
to seize everything you ever wanted
one moment
would you capture it?
Or just let it slip?
I want this chance to use my Swedish skills.
Badly.
{This may be the understatement of the year. Possibly.}
It may not be everything I want it to be, or everything I expect, but if I never even give it a shot, I'll never know.
Time to seize.