27 October 2008

I Only Smile In The Dark

~stolen from a lyric, band: Garbage, song: I'm Only Happy When It Rains, Album: Garbage, Release date: 1995

Yeah, yeah, I've still got my head in the 90s for pop music.  Whatev.

I'm happy.  Nearly deliriously so.  Riding a euphoric high.  Which, ridiculously, scares the hell out of me.  I have no idea where this particular aspect of my personality comes from, but even though I'm extraordinarily happy, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  That things can't possibly, seriously, really be this good.  Can they?  I've had a great success professionally (and, sorry, that's all I'm going to say about that) and personally I am on an even keel even despite the shorter, colder, and greyer days we're experiencing in Ohio.  We have snow in the forecast this week, FFS.  But the depression is currently manageable most days.

I went to see my family doc last week, because my 'scripts for my allergy medicine and anti-depressants all ran out at the same time.  Because the anti-depressants are a maintenance med, I'm supposed to have blood work done periodically, and I knew that if I just called and asked for refills, they'd say no.

He and I talked about my dosage, and I told him what I've been telling you people for quite a while now: I accept that I may need to take this medication for the rest of my life.  I'm in far better shape than I was a year ago this time...see this post and this post for backstory there, if you're just joining us...but I've learned the very hard way that I'm not ready to step down the dosage or discontinue them by any stretch of anyone's imagination, certainly not mine or the doc's.  He did suggest tapering them, but I related an incident that happened on a day where I managed to take just a partial dosage (here's a hint: it didn't end well) that I blew far out of porportion over the summer.  Given that, he agreed with me that we'd revisit the issue of tapering the dosage in 6 months.  Fine.

In the meantime, where the hell is the sudden onset of anxiety coming from?  Breathe, Luce, damn.  How is it that I'm fairly unable to live in the moment, appreciate what's here and now?  Enjoy the success, build on it, take the congratulatory flourish that goes along with it, and start working on the next event on the horizon.  

How hard is that?

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