WTH Moments

I'm having problems with migraines again.

I am really tired of it, too.

I started getting headaches when I was about 10 years old, and complaining about them landed me at the eye doctor's.  I remember being terrified that I needed glasses; I was enough of a social outcast without them, I didn't want to contemplate how much worse it would be with them.

At the time, though, I did not need the glasses that I now wear; my diminishing eyesight is due to the fact that I am getting older, nearly everyone sees some diminishment in their eyesight as time goes on.  

That's not the problem.  The glasses are not causing the headaches.  

The problem is that I don't know what's causing them.  They're increasing in frequency and severity, exponentially.  If they were pain in one particular spot, over and over, I'd be far more concerned that they were indicative of a specific problem, but they're not.  The pain is on the right side of my head.  No, the left.  No, behind my right eye.  No, at the base of my skull.  No, like a ring around the crown of my head.  Wait, what day is it?

Work is stressful, here and there, but not really at a level that I think should be causing this much pain.  It is a slow time of the year for me, so the pressure I'm feeling for upcoming "stuff"is self-inflicted.  I think that it goes without saying that I'm not giving myself migraines.  Or at least, I don't think I am.

The worst part of this is that I can't fix it.  Taking analgesics doesn't really help much, they diminish the pain that comes with the headaches, but the painkillers don't kill 'em off.  I have tried everything.  Freaking EVERYTHING.  Tylenol.  Motrin.  Advil.  Aleve.  Excedrin.  Lavender everything, teas, rubs, baths, soaks.  Tried to get more and better sleep, thinking that might be a factor; used Valerian root, melatonin, chamomile, Ambien, and every over the counter sleep aid available.

Huh.  In this listmaking, as I'm trying to figure out what is new and different, what has changed recently, it occurs to me that there is something I haven't been doing that is normally part of my routine; I haven't been at the gym, on the treadmill, the elliptical, or at my yoga classes for a few weeks.  The yoga classes are in the middle of the day, and as of late, I've been too busy to get to them.  Ugh.  Could be that's the problem right there.

I mizzes you!

Once upon a time, I kvetched that returning to work full time after being laid off last summer was going to cut into my available blogging time.

And then some!!

Now I'm not only working full time, I'm staying late at work, working through my lunch time, excited about what I'm doing for a living, into a routine that has me not spending any time at all on the 'puter in the evenings. I'm behind on a whole lot of correspondence, both real-world and webby.

I miss my writing. I miss working on the book, which I haven't done since March. That's a whole 'nother story....but y'all know I luurves me a tangent.

My fears of being less prolific a writer when I'm in a better mental state turned out to not be unfounded. I think, unfortunately, that when I'm in a bad mental place, I'm a better writer. There's a fine, fine line between depths of despair and that place where I was churning out 10-15 pages of the novel a day, though. This past winter, I was perhaps more of a mess than I was in the spring of 2007, when I admitted that there was a problem and I needed some help.

Doc gave me an additional anti-depressant this past winter to add to my med regimen, and it helped, but not a lot. I couldn't write, hell, I could barely get out of bed. The days got longer, though, and the sun returned from its winter hiatus. I started to feel better, the job situation started to look like it might change (I think the old job was at least 85% of the problem) and suddenly, whoa, I was feeling like I wasn't worthless any more.

But the creative spark hasn't come back from wherever it disappeared to at the end of last summer. Writing here on the blog has never been a problem. The problem is that the fiction writing isn't happening. The novel writing came from nowhere, and disappeared back into nowhere. I miss that, but I accept it (well, mostly), because I no longer feel so horrible.

I also miss writing a daily update here on the blog. I regret that I haven't had a lot of time for it since I started this new dreamy job. My dad has something that he's said my entire life that I mostly am annoyed by, although it is true. Dad says, "Everyone has the same amount of time. 24 hours in a day. It is about what you choose to do with that time." Lately, I've been choosing to sleep a little more and blog a little less. I like sleep! And I'm managing it without nightly sleeping pills. I do still take them, but not every night. Thankfully, because I think they're more dangerous for the potential of dependence than the anti-d's.

I'm constantly thinking of ideas for blog posts, thinking about ways to turn the things I see and think about into snapshots of life, stories that I can tell. But by the time I get home each night, I'm wiped out, in need of sleep to face the next day. There are posts galore sitting in my mental queue, even a few that I've scribbled ideas into Google Docs, but they haven't been finished. I miss it, I miss reading everyone else's blogs, I miss all of ya!

Still here, doing much better, working! But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. I am. More soon.

Working full time?

Is going to cut seriously into my available blog time.

Just wanted to let you know.

In Time

"Don't worry you will find the answer

if you let it go

Give yourself some time to falter

But don't forgo

know that you're loved no matter what

And everything will come around

in time."

~Sarah McLachlan, "Perfect Girl" on the album Afterglow

When my mother was pregnant with me, back in the dark ages, the doctors told her that the baby was due on December 13, which incidentally is an important holiday in Sweden and it was my maternal grandmother's birthday as well. Now according to a friend of mine who has kids, calculating a due date is a notoriously inexact science. I wouldn't know, not having ever been pregnant. Anyway, back in the dark ages when I was born, they didn't induce deliveries like they do today if you go a week or so over your due date. A debate for another day, because I'm drifting off track. I made my appearance nearly two weeks later, born about 10 days "late". A beginning that I've spent the rest of my life living up to.

DH hates to be late. I'm nearly never on time. I joke that as I was born late, there isn't much chance of me ever being on time. I try; but time slips past me.

This summer, as I have enjoyed not having any major responsibilities, I'm astonished at the speed by which the days disappear. Each night, I promise myself that I'll get into bed at a 'reasonable hour' and each night I'm climbing into bed at a time much later than I intended. Which starts quite the cycle; since I do not have to be up to be anywhere, and I don't ever sleep through the night uninterrupted, I'll wake around 3 and again around 5 and when DH gets up and gets ready for work around 6:30. Each time, yes, I could get up. But I don't.

Most days, when I stay up past midnight, it is all I can do to get moving by 8 AM. Which means that by the time I make myself some breakfast, get dressed and head to the gym, it is nearly 10. I work out for nearly two hours and then come home, shower, change, and start whatever I'm going to do on a particular day and the next time I look at the clock, it is 1:30 or 2. DH gets home from work at 3.30, and plans for dinner and the remainder of the evening begin then. He still has to get up and go to work, so between 9 and 10PM, he's heading to bed, and I'm surfing, IM-ing, talking to friends in the fandom world and writing the book. And I look at the clock and it will be nearly midnight. Again.

You'd think that I'd be getting bored with this routine; after all, until I was bogged down with the depression this past winter, unless I had about 30,000 things to do, I was bored. This little bit of serenity has been nice, but yes, I am bored. I was talking with a friend who lives out of town about a month or so ago, and he remarked that even though he couldn't see me, he could tell that I was more relaxed than I'd ever been in the entire time he's known me. (About 20 years, give or take a minute.) Which was remarkably insightful for him. So obviously, this break has been good for me.

When I was working for the olde evile bank and working in the big bad city, my father would nag me to take some time out to exercise. I was working about 45 hours a week and spending nearly 3 hours a day in the car commuting back and forth. Plus I was newly married and had a bevy of friends still living in town.

"When am I supposed to do that?" I would ask him. "I just don't have time."

"Lucille, everyone has the same amount of time. Twenty-four hours in a day. Make time." He would reply tersely.

I began making time last October, getting out of bed at about 5 am every day and getting to the gym before they opened their doors at 5.30 every morning, then rushing home, getting ready for work, working a full day, basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Now I wonder when I had time to work, because the days just disappear. Up in smoke.

I am making progress towards my goal of heading back to school. I hope that when it does finally happen that I am able to just be in school and not work, a luxury I didn't have during my undergrad days. I imagine that the days will fly by when that time comes as well. In the meantime, until I am accepted into a program, I need to find some gainful employment, cause I'm feeling like a leech these days.

Listening to: iTunes random shuffle. Everything finally integrated on one machine!! Yay!

"Rain in Baltimore" Counting Crows
"Bad" U2
"Dodo" Dave Matthews
"Wake-up call" Maroon 5
"Lay Down" O.A.R.
"Langsamt farval" Lisa Nilsson
"I would die 4 u" Prince

Go Read the Gossip Rags

Because I don't have time today to write a post.

P. Hilt's going to jail, Michelle Rodriguez was outed, the Superficial had a picture of Kathy Griffin falling out of an SUV...much more entertaining that what I'd like to devote serious time to, the victory of Nicholas Skarozy in the French elections. Cheerio, chikadees, I'll be back tomorrow.

Go Fug Yourself

Perez Hilton

The Superficial

Defamer

Work, work, work, no time to spend my money.

Alterations and Altercations

There will actually not be any disagreements in this post, I just liked the alliteration.

MotherMe posted a muffin recipe the other day, and upon reading it, my first thought was YUM! And my second thought was a wistful, (sigh), I haven't baked anything in forever, due to my self-imposed weight loss program. I love to bake. But cookies, muffins, cakes and quick breads are not the stuff that weight-loss dreams are made of, so I've been abstaining from doing much in the kitchen besides making dinner. Dinner is usually boneless, skinless chicken, or grilled fish. And yes, that can be rather dull, but the idea of becoming a Type 2 diabetic is terrifying enough that I've been highly motivated to stick to the program of gym, every single day, and eating right, making big changes that must be lifelong changes if I am to avoid the traps that my genes have set for me of obesity, diabetes, knee replacement, heart disease and osteoporosis.

Yet again, however, I'm wandering off topic. Boy, I'm good at that.

Back to the muffins. These appealed to me because they have both carrots and zucchini in them, and I have a tough time getting all of the servings of veggies that I need each day.

Here's the recipe as MotherMe posted it.

• 2 cups unbleached, unbromated white all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup whole-wheat flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 T ground cinnamon
• 2 t baking soda
• 1/2 t salt
• 1 20-oz can crushed pineapple, drained well
• 2 cups grated carrot (approx 6 medium)
• 1 smallish zucchini, grated (approx 1/2 to 1 cup)
• 3/4 cup raisins
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
• 3 large eggs
• 1 cup canola or vegetable oil
• 1 tsp vanilla

Butter or grease 18 muffin cups, or line with paper liners. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Mix dry ingredients thoroughly together in a large bowl. Add pineapple, vegetables, raisins, and nuts and stir well. It will look a lot more like a pasta salad than a muffin mix, but trust me on this.

In another bowl, beat the eggs well and stir in the oil and vanilla. Add to the vegetables and fruit and mix well. Forget that stuff about mixing muffins until “just combined”. It doesn’t apply when you’re making muffins out of cole slaw.

Spoon the slaw batter into the muffin tins or papers. They won’t rise a whole lot, so fill them fairly full.

Bake approximately 30-35 minutes until a knife or toothpick poked into the center comes out without any goo on it. Let the muffins cool on a wire rack for at least 10 minutes before eating. Pineapple chunks will be very hot.

Here are the changes that I made....

• 1 cup unbleached, unbromated flour
• 1-1/4 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 cup turbinado sugar
• 3/4 cup unsweetened apple sauce and 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1 cup zucchini
• golden raisins (because regular raisins are icky.)
• I omitted the salt. I almost always do in baking recipes. You get enough salt from other sources...ahem. Let me get off my soapbox.
  
• I omitted the vanilla. Not because I intended to, but because I forgot about it until filling the muffin tins.

Now since I haven't tasted MotherMe's version, I don't know if my alterations made a significant difference in the texture of the finished product, but I'm guessing that it might make the muffins a bit more coarse-textured with more whole wheat flour. But it gives them a higher whole grain content, too, which means fewer simple carbs.

Turbinado sugar is just a fancy way of referring to what is sold commercially as "Sugar in the Raw" and I have a bunch of it from the health food store, so I used it instead of white sugar. It is less 'processed' than white sugar. Again, this may make a slight difference in the final texture, but the benefits, IMO, outweigh those minor consequences.

My prep time was reduced as well, because I purchased matchstick carrots instead of grating my own. I'm pressed for time in general this weekend, so while I the grocery store I took the opportunity to purchase chopped nuts and shredded carrots, making this one of the easiest quick bread recipes I've ever thrown together.

The taste? Delicious. I couldn't resist them straight out of the oven, being wildly curious about how cole slaw turns into yummy muffins, so yes, I ignored the caution that the pineapple chunks are hot and burned my lip. Worth it, though. They're good cold, too, I've been munching a second one as I've written this post. The cinnamon is a nice touch, the nuts an unexpected crunch here and there, and the carrots are not so cooked as to be mushy and gross. (I despise cooked carrots.) These are nearly ideal breakfast food if you ask me, a nice veggie addition to my usual 2 hard-cooked eggs-and-a-banana breakfast.

Further experimentation will probably be in reducing the amount of sugar, as that's important to me. I also might try adding a scoop of soy protein or wheat germ to see what happens.

I'm pressed for time this weekend because somehow, the family gathering for Easter dinner is at my house. I'm not sure how the only pagan heathen in the family ended up hosting the most important Christian celebration on the calendar, but that's life for you sometimes. So I've been busy cleaning and cooking, and will probably not have a second to spare to be on the computer tomorrow at all. Let's not talk about how traumatic I think the withdrawal will be, OK?

Listening to: The washing machine. As it spins endlessly, sounding like a small jet is going to take off from my kitchen.

NO TIME!

There is quite a lot happening on the political front that I want to talk about, but since today is going to be completely insane for me, you're going to have to check this space much later for general ranting about David Hicks, Congress passing or not passing the thumbs down on the war, Nancy Peolsi's travels, the British sailors in Iran.......


Work, work, work, work, work, no time to spend my money.