Grammar point: What is the plural of hiatus?

Hiatia?  

Point being that I am going to Florida for some much needed rest and time with my family for the remainder of 2008.  And then for the early part of 2009, too.  Hiatus 1 & Hiatus 2.  

Going from my home, where there are at least 4 operational computers at any time, to the parents house, where there is but one laptop, means I'll be feeling some withdrawal.  At least, I think I will.  Even with the diversions of BEACH. POOL. BOAT RIDES. DAIQUIRIS.  SIBLING SILLINESS.  I'm sure there will be a moment or two where I am wondering what is missing.  

But then again, I do have a blackberry, with teh interweb available 24/7, so I'm not particularly worried.

Semi-regular posting to resume after January 5th.  Have a happy or a merry, whichever suits your inclination, and I'll be thinking of you in the Sunshine State.  Today's forcast high is 84, just in case you were wondering.

Overheard:

"Dude, how do you spell 'legit'?"

"L-I-G-I-T"

No, I did not stop, correct them, nor did I explain that 'legit' is short for 'legitimate'; but I wanted to.

Shutting Up

Growing up, my sisters and I were forbidden to say certain things. Not just slang that my parents didn't like, but also a few more common expressions. In the interest of being polite, and learning to speak like someone who had more than 3 brain cells to rub together, they strictly enforced good grammar.

"Shut up!" was one of those things we weren't allowed to say. Too rude. I thought it was dumb, but complied and didn't use it in front of them. (Which is not to say that I've never said 'shut up'! I did, and I still do from time to time.)

These days, there is commercial running on television for one of the fast food joints. It uses the phrase, "Shut UP" and it irritates the living shit out of me. It is offensive. And annoying. And loud. I finally understand why they didn't want my sibs and I to say 'shut up'.

To get around it, we'd say 'be quiet' or something similar. After I learned Swedish, I'd use the very vulgar phrase in Swedish that meant something along the lines of 'keep your damn mouth shut' just because I could.

But now, I think if I had a child, I'd probably enforce the same rule.

I'd like to put on my Spinster Grammar Aunt hat (oh, wait....I never take it off, so no need to search for it) and write a letter to the offending fast food joint. It might go something like this.

Dear Multi-National Conglomerate and Perpetrator of Obesity in America:

Your current advertising campaign for the double super-huge bacon cheeseburger with enough fat for an entire village in one serving is offensive in the extreme. Having the actors shout "Shut up!" at their growling stomachs makes it appear as if this phrase is acceptable in polite society. You should not need the Spinster Grammar Aunt to point out that this is not the case.

Additionally, the growling stomachs sound quite a bit like belching; again, not acceptable in polite society. The Spinster Grammar Aunt is forced to wonder if your marketing and advertising departments, and indeed the executives who approved this campaign, were raised in an outdoor environment with lupine companions. This would seem the only plausible reason that this commercial runs nearly continuously on both network and cable television.

Please, before Western Civilization completely deteriorates, remove this commercial from the airwaves forthwith.

Very Truly Yours, et cetera,

The Spinster Grammar Aunt


*sigh*

Unfortunately, sending such a missive just might get me committed to that mental institution that takes in such cranks as those who insist upon good grammar, good manners, and the like.

A Dying Breed

While shopping with my mother recently, I was trying on shoes when I heard, from the next aisle over, "Ohh, I like them shoes."

I met my mother's eyes and ground my teeth, seeing my own expression mirrored on her face. Bad grammar! Ugh. We both laughed. "Y'know..." I said, "When you and Dad used to correct us, it drove me crazy. Now I want to smack people who don't speak properly."

"Nuh-uh," she drawled, too amused.

Among the many things we weren't allowed to say....'nuh-uh' was tops on the list, followed by 'yeah,' 'shut up,' 'dude,' 'ain't,' and 'like,' when used in the following manner..."so, I was, like, so tired and stuff, and she was like, no way!" Valley Girl-isms, 'gross' and 'totally' were verboten. (Yes, I grew up during the 1980s.) Swearing was out of the question, too. I never heard either parent swear until I was well over 21, and I never swore in front of either of them until long after I was married.

This insistence on correct speech was yet another square thing my parents did that made them so much stricter than my friend's parents, and lame, if you'd asked me when I was about 11. Now, however, I wish fervently that more people paid attention to good grammar and basic fundamentals.

I have to attend a business writing workshop, and I'm beyond annoyed by it; does it look to you like I needs help with my writin' skillz? A friend who is an educator pointed out to me that everyone could use a refresher course from time to time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if more people paid attention to the basics, this wouldn't be an issue.

I know that the 'rents laugh these days when my sisters and I are annoyed with bad grammar, poor diction, and the like. They chuckle to themselves, having proved to the sibs and I yet again that they knew what they were talking about.

Like, dude, that's totally annoying, fer sure.

Wi'chew

I apologize most sincerely for inflicting this upon you, because you will leave this post with an obnoxious pop song stuck in your head.

I'm also putting on my Spinster Aunt Grammar Police hat.

You got me trippin', stumblin' flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love wit you

That's the chorus to Fergie's latest pop song, Clumsy. I've seen the video twice, randomly surfing the TV channels, and I am hearing the bass line in my head for hours afterward. I like Fergie's music, understand that. But that last line, "so in love wit you" has me all fired up, for a couple of reasons.

First, it is miserable grammar/pronunciation. Folks who don't enunciate make me nuts. "Wit" instead of "with" is really one of my pet peeves. Another one is people who mispronounce the word frustrate, but that's a story for another day. Wit is intelligence. Wit is savvy. W-I-T is not an appropriated shortened form of with. Grrr.

The other reason this irritates me requires a bit of backstory. You already know I'm a music geek. I don't think I've ever talked about my singing here; I no longer sing in public, but to not sing would be to not breathe. I sing all the time. With the iPod. Without the iPod. With the radio. Not with the radio. With the muzak in department stores. At full fortissimo or as quiet as a church mouse. I have a halfway decent voice. I'll never be Maria Callas or Mariah Carey, with their astonishing ranges, but I can carry a tune, and carry it well. From the time I was 12 years old until I left for Sweden at 16, I studied with a vocal coach, in addition to singing in my school's choirs.

My coach had been an opera singer with the Met, once upon a time. She taught me wonderful things about breath support and projecting volume. She was also at considerable pains to teach me how to sing the words 'with you' so it didn't sound like you were singing the word 'chew.' The choir director at school was the same guy from 6th grade all the way through graduation; this was one of his fussy things too. Thanks to both of them, this is something I notice in popular music, and when it is done incorrectly, it makes me grind my teeth. It isn't that hard to do; any singer should know this little trick. All you do is soften the "t" sound, almost as if you were going to drop it off all together, and emphasize the 'you', being careful not to introduce too much of your Midwest twang into it and making it sound like 'yew'. Oh, wait, that Midwest thing would just be me. Anyway.

Fergie-Ferg has a lovely voice, is a talented songstress, and produces extremely entertaining music. This just makes ME nuts, it is a psychosis, I know. The song really sticks with you, which speaks well for it being a major hit for her. And that means that I'll be hearing it everywhere.

If you need me, I'll be over there in the corner in the fetal, rocking and grinding my teeth.

clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love..in in love
so in love
wit you

grrrrrrr

This Location has been Relocated.

Sounds like something President Idiot would say, doesn't it? It was on a sign of a bank branch that I saw yesterday, but it made me think of the Idiot in the White House, too. As I listened to his speech and he stumbled over several words, made several grammar errors, I marveled all over again that this man was elected leader of the free world. (Well, he was duly elected the second time around. The first time he was installed in the White House was a mockery of the democratic election process. But I digress.)

I listen to his speeches because I can't bear to look at him. At least hearing his disembodied voice is not as bad as watching him. WhiteHouse.Gov has the audio stream, and what they claim is the text of the speech here, but the text does not match the spoken word at all. I wonder what that's all about.

After watching the CNN special I saw the other day about Islam, I understand a bit better why Iraqis aren't happy that we're there. Hell, I'M not happy that we're there. I think the soldiers need to come home.

But here's a bit of a quote from the speech, with commentary from me in parenthesis:

"Failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States. The consequences of failure are clear. Radical Islamic extremists would grow in strength and gain new recruits. (he stumbles two or three times over the word grow, but let's do ignore that for a second.) They would be in a better position to topple moderate governments, create chaos in the region, and use oil revenues to fund their ambitions. Iran would be emboldened in its pursuit of nuclear weapons. (He STILL mispronounces nuclear! Mrgh!) Our enemies would have a safe haven from which to plan and launch attacks on the American people. On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities. For the safety of our people, America MUST succeed in Iraq.

It is the same, tired, old Republican wheeze about 'defeat them over there or we'll have to defeat them here.' Which, for the record, I don't really believe. I do not believe that we haven't had another attack on 'American soil' (Blessed Mother, how I hate that phrase) because we're fighting wars in two countries. I believe they haven't hit American interests here or abroad again because they're biding their time and trying to brew up something more terrible than September 11th was. I do most emphatically not think that we are safer today than we were on September 10, 2001. After all, what has changed?

The Terror Alert System? Please. More like a hysteria-inducing way of making it look like you're doing something. The Department of Homeland Security? Urgh. Department of the Fatherland, anyone? We needed another large governmental institution? Riiight. Why haven't they found Osama? It is like playing a worldwide game of "Where's Waldo?" The United States has the best technology in the world; why can't they find him? They record *my* telephone conversations with my family overseas and analyze them for terrorist activity. Terrorist activity coming from Sweden. As if. Sweden has been a neutral country for a long, long, long time. We talk about family and work and how much we miss one another. There's ALLL kinds of incriminating information being passed along there. But they can't find one man and his entourage of attendants in the hills in Pakistan.

And let's not talk about how many young soldiers, the average age of which is about 19, have died needlessly. W gets in to that a bit near the end of his speech, urging the people of America to support the troops; I do. I support the young men and women who are serving their country. I don't support the war. There is a very clear difference.

There's just one more thing. The final paragraph of the speech leaves me scratching my head over what the hell he means. Read it for your self, and see if it makes any better sense to you.

...yet times of testing reveal the character of a nation. And throughout our history, Americans have always defied the pessimists and seen our faith in freedom redeemed. Now America is engaged in a new struggle, that will set the course for a new century. We can, and we will prevail. We go forward with trust that the author of liberty will guide us through these trying hours. Thank you, and good night.

I'm not sure what he means at all about 'the author of liberty'. Liberty is NOT a uniquely American concept. I know that; I'm sure you do too. I'm not confident HE knows that. Is he, in some oblique way, referencing God? Or does he mean a particular writer? He's good at obfuscatory, anyway.

I'll leave the annoying grammar mistakes alone; we all know that he can't speak English well. I've resigned myself to the fact that he just sounds like a moron every time he opens his mouth. You'd think there would be an Office of Official Grammar to make sure that he manages to at least sound like English is his first language.

I got your grammar police right here!

Bad grammar bothers me. Always has. I have my parents, the grammar gestapo, to thank for this. Not that I'm complaining, really. I'm articulate thanks to them. I do appreciate that. The problem is that I want to correct everyone and everything when I see grammar errors.

Case in point?

Driving along a major road on my area, I saw the following sign:

"Summer Deals: Get them while their hot!"

Let's forget the punctuation error for a second, and instead focus on the homophone. Their. Which is the plural of he/she/it. What they meant to say was they're, the contraction of they are. This isn't rocket science. If you're not sure of your grammar, for chrissakes, ask someone else.

The English teacher I had from 5th grade to 7th grade had a rule, called "The Three English-Speaking People Rule." The rule required us to have at least 3 people who were English speakers read the compositions we turned in to her. She specified English speakers because we were little smart-asses who would tell her, "But I *did* have three people read it. They just weren't native speakers." Thinking back, if I were her, I might have shot us just for being brats. But then I'm not a patient woman. She was.

Regardless, I have instituted that rule every place I've ever worked, because people have terrible grammar. Abysmal grammar. Even a lawyer I worked for once upon a time was a habitual fragment-writer. I had to work with the typing pool on a nearly daily basis to "translate" what he had dictated for them.

I'm trying to hold myself back from calling the store with the grammatical error on the sign and telling them precisely what it should say, because that's a really obnoxious thing to do. On the other hand, there's the fact that unless someone tells them, I doubt that they'll ever know.

Then there's the punctuation error. Ahh, don't get me started.