28 August 2007

In Time

"Don't worry you will find the answer


if you let it go


Give yourself some time to falter


But don't forgo


know that you're loved no matter what


And everything will come around


in time."



~Sarah McLachlan, "Perfect Girl" on the album Afterglow

When my mother was pregnant with me, back in the dark ages, the doctors told her that the baby was due on December 13, which incidentally is an important holiday in Sweden and it was my maternal grandmother's birthday as well. Now according to a friend of mine who has kids, calculating a due date is a notoriously inexact science. I wouldn't know, not having ever been pregnant. Anyway, back in the dark ages when I was born, they didn't induce deliveries like they do today if you go a week or so over your due date. A debate for another day, because I'm drifting off track. I made my appearance nearly two weeks later, born about 10 days "late". A beginning that I've spent the rest of my life living up to.

DH hates to be late. I'm nearly never on time. I joke that as I was born late, there isn't much chance of me ever being on time. I try; but time slips past me.

This summer, as I have enjoyed not having any major responsibilities, I'm astonished at the speed by which the days disappear. Each night, I promise myself that I'll get into bed at a 'reasonable hour' and each night I'm climbing into bed at a time much later than I intended. Which starts quite the cycle; since I do not have to be up to be anywhere, and I don't ever sleep through the night uninterrupted, I'll wake around 3 and again around 5 and when DH gets up and gets ready for work around 6:30. Each time, yes, I could get up. But I don't.

Most days, when I stay up past midnight, it is all I can do to get moving by 8 AM. Which means that by the time I make myself some breakfast, get dressed and head to the gym, it is nearly 10. I work out for nearly two hours and then come home, shower, change, and start whatever I'm going to do on a particular day and the next time I look at the clock, it is 1:30 or 2. DH gets home from work at 3.30, and plans for dinner and the remainder of the evening begin then. He still has to get up and go to work, so between 9 and 10PM, he's heading to bed, and I'm surfing, IM-ing, talking to friends in the fandom world and writing the book. And I look at the clock and it will be nearly midnight. Again.

You'd think that I'd be getting bored with this routine; after all, until I was bogged down with the depression this past winter, unless I had about 30,000 things to do, I was bored. This little bit of serenity has been nice, but yes, I am bored. I was talking with a friend who lives out of town about a month or so ago, and he remarked that even though he couldn't see me, he could tell that I was more relaxed than I'd ever been in the entire time he's known me. (About 20 years, give or take a minute.) Which was remarkably insightful for him. So obviously, this break has been good for me.

When I was working for the olde evile bank and working in the big bad city, my father would nag me to take some time out to exercise. I was working about 45 hours a week and spending nearly 3 hours a day in the car commuting back and forth. Plus I was newly married and had a bevy of friends still living in town.

"When am I supposed to do that?" I would ask him. "I just don't have time."

"Lucille, everyone has the same amount of time. Twenty-four hours in a day. Make time." He would reply tersely.

I began making time last October, getting out of bed at about 5 am every day and getting to the gym before they opened their doors at 5.30 every morning, then rushing home, getting ready for work, working a full day, basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Now I wonder when I had time to work, because the days just disappear. Up in smoke.

I am making progress towards my goal of heading back to school. I hope that when it does finally happen that I am able to just be in school and not work, a luxury I didn't have during my undergrad days. I imagine that the days will fly by when that time comes as well. In the meantime, until I am accepted into a program, I need to find some gainful employment, cause I'm feeling like a leech these days.

Listening to: iTunes random shuffle. Everything finally integrated on one machine!! Yay!

"Rain in Baltimore" Counting Crows
"Bad" U2
"Dodo" Dave Matthews
"Wake-up call" Maroon 5
"Lay Down" O.A.R.
"Langsamt farval" Lisa Nilsson
"I would die 4 u" Prince

2 comments:

Dawna said...

I couldn't imagine not having time for myself!

Lucy Arin said...

No, I couldn't either. I need 'me time' like I need sleep. Even though my days seem pretty full, I do get enough 'me time;' otherwise I'd be a mess!!