20 July 2007

The devil in the sweet, sweet kiss

I managed to miss two day's dosages of my anti-depressants. Forgetful and, it turns out, both a stupid and a smart thing to do. Lest I think that I was getting better, that the depression was waning and that maybe I'd be OK without the drugs, I know now that the meds are pretty much the sole reason for my feeling not depressed.

Isn't it odd that it takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to kick in and make you feel as if you were human again, and yet two days without them and I'm feeling like I want to sleep 24/7 and like I've been kicked in the teeth? I hope sincerely that it does not take so long before they make me feel better again, and that I have not fucked up completely their effectiveness by not taking them for a few days.

I say that it was both a smart and a dumb thing to do because I feel like complete garbage, and I know I wouldn't if I'd continued with the proper dosage. Smart because I have been nagging both the shrink and the family doctor to get off of them, and now I know that they're right, I'm in no shape whatsoever to discontinue them. Good to know.

I have not yet finished reading "Is it me or is it my meds?'" but I can identify with the author when he talks about physiological vs. psychological dependence on the meds. The seductiveness of them. Should we need them to cope with depression? Shouldn't we all be strong enough to fight it without them? Does it make me weak to 'need' them to function? How much easier to just take the pill, take the easy way out. Because as tough as it is to admit that you need help for your mental illness, it is fairly easy to just swallow that pill. Seductive, because you know that the pills will help, will make it easier for you to function, if you'll just give in.

I haven't finished reading the book because I left it at the Y on Wednesday after working out. Oops. I did my usual stint on the treadmill, then tossed the book into one of the cubbyholes in the cardio studio. In the wintertime, the cubbies are filled with coats and scarves and bags. In the summer, mostly just keys. I left the book, lifted weights, went back to the locker room, showered and went on my merry way, leaving the book there. I did call and ask them to look for it, but so far it hasn't turned up. Smart, Lucy, very smart.

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