17 January 2008

Fell On Black Days

Whatsoever I feel has
come to light
Whatsoever I fought off
became my life
Just when every day
Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots are fadin'
Now I'm doin' time
Now I'm doin' time

'Cause I fell on
Black days

~Soundgarden, Fell On Black Days, Superunknown, 1994

Its a rough day today. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I'm feeling like I was hit by a semi.

Part of living with this disease is that you know there is still so much unknown, no discernible reasons why it takes the course that it does. If there WAS a pattern, reasons why there's highs and lows, I think 'they' could treat it better.

Patients, me included, want to self-medicate when things don't go so well, or when things are going great; we think that we can quit taking the meds when things are looking up, and consider all sorts of other options (like booze or upping the dosage ourselves) when things are down.

There's all sorts of possible explanations; its overcast and cloudy today, and that makes me want to stay in bed; sometimes hormonal shifts, part of the normal menstrual cycle, make your moods go wonky; I'm frustrated over some other areas of my life that we don't talk about online; the whole glasses/contacts thing is pissing me the hell off, I've been back to the eye doctor's twice and still can't see well out of the contacts; pick any one of those. To a person suffering with depression, any one or any combination of the above could sometimes be enough to be tail-spinning. And sometimes, there's no reason at all.

I was complaining about the FDA just the other day; that whole non-labeling of cloned beef thing. But they're not just the food-checkers, they're also the drug regulators. A friend sent me a link to this Yahoo! News article which suggests that the drug companies AND the FDA bury studies that don't show the meds in a favorable light. Fan-fucking-tastic. The major med that they're talking about, Zoloft, isn't my poison of choice, but what's good for one company is good for another, no?

I also skipped the gym this morning, and won't have time the rest of the day to get to it, which doesn't help.

Ranting about it sometimes does, though.

Listening to: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, Ahi Wela, Alone in Iz World, 2001
(Cheerful, sunny, Hawai'ian music)((that helps sometimes too))


Sandra Kay Miller said...

I love Brother Iz!

Lucy Arin said...

Me too. He's so comforting and joyful.

Thanks for commenting.