10 January 2008

Loser

I had one of those days yesterday where I lost absolutely everything I touched. Keys, lost in my giant new briefcase/purse. My phone, usually clipped to my hip; the dress I had on yesterday made that tough, so I'd put it down on a flat surface, and bam, it'd be gone. The headset for my phone, which goes flashy-blinky, so I take it off when I'm talking to someone face to face. I'd take it off, set it down, and then not be able to find it. That shiz makes me nuts, makes me feel like I've lost more of my mind.

But I think I've lost something else, and I think it has a lot to do with the meds. I have a fearsome temper. Really. I know, I express anger about women's issues and politics all the time, but in the world outside of the computer, I have a yelling streak that might surprise you. Or, rather, I should say I *had*. Nothing too much gets me super-pissed off these days. Sure, advancing age makes you mellower, and working with terminally ill children taught me that there is so much that isn't worth getting upset over, but since the dosage for my meds has been adjusted to a level that seems to be working for me, I'm not quick to anger about anything.

I was thinking about this because of something that happened at work. Since I don't talk about work online, I'll just tell you that this boiled down to a clear case of sexism, which is enough to send me into orbit. Two or three years ago, this would have had me storming into the office, and furiously having it out with the person who I saw as the problem. I've never been a violent woman, but I promise that anyone within hearing range would have known exactly what I was upset about, because the volume? I can project that. (Thank you, voice coach!)

Instead, I handled it another way entirely, and I think that there's a chance that there will be a good resolution to a bad problem. Worked out calmly and rationally. Huh. You can do that? In'trustin.

I was offended, and annoyed, but not furious. Couldn't really get worked up over it.

I don't really like knowing that it must be the meds, because nothing else has changed. I got into an...ahem...argument with someone recently, and the day it happened, I hadn't taken my meds. So they're keeping me on a sort-of even keel, not just helping with the depression. Instead of reassuring me, that makes me pretty worried, anxious, again, about are the meds making me a different person? Someone less recognizable as myself, or are they rather helping me to be a better person. I don't know.

I don't think I mind losing the temper. Much. Sometimes a good screaming hissy fit is a good thing, just like every now and then we all need a good cry. But what happens when you don't have that emotional outlet available to you?

3 comments:

bookgal said...

i think if you weren't aware of what the meds may/may not be doing to you....that would be very scary. but having an awareness indicates to me that you are still in touch with you.
make sense?

Lucy Arin said...

*shrugs*

Yes, of course, that makes perfect sense to me, but I still worry.

Nothing a martini or 3 couldn't fix.

:-)

Dawna said...

Maybe the meds are giving your mind a way to focus your energy properly into a productive solution other than blowing Mt. Fuji. There are many things over which there is no use getting your nickers in a bunch. Maybe the meds are letting you become, *gasp* wiser?

No...