14 July 2009

And on the downside...

I'm second-guessing myself with the decision to step down the meds. I had a moment yesterday where I felt completely overwhelmed. This was a moment where someone who does not have a mental illness would take a deeeep breath and think, wow, dude, I've got a lot to do. Let's make a list.

I, on the other hand, took a deep breath and thought, OMGWTFBBQ, what the hell am I going to do? I'm going to fail, and everyone will see and laugh and say they knew I couldn't manage and and and and OMG, Luce this has to STOP NAO! You stop it right now! {gave myself a little shake-till-your-teeth-rattle} Pull yourself together. You can do this. One. Step. At. A. Time. Logically, step by step. Make a list. Cross things off of it. Communicate that you're overwhelmed. Prioritize.

And I was back to being mostly all right. The fact that I can stop that train right in its tracks is something I am pretty fucking proud of, if you'll pardon the foul language. A few years ago when that train left the station, I might have walked out to play in traffic.

Things that the meds help that I'm missing: sleeping. I was up much past my self-appointed bed time of roughly 10 PM. Not that I'm not tired. I am. I'm not sleepy. I gave up around 1 AM, took an ambien, and slept until the alarm went off at 6. Early to bed tonight, no ifs, ands, or buts!

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