07 February 2008

Not again.

'Cause I am barely breathing,
And I can't find the air


~Duncan Sheik, Barely Breathing, Duncan Sheik, 1995

I haven't posted anything for a few days because I haven't had very many ideas for posts. I've a few half-written posts, but mostly, when I sit down in front of the computer, I've been at a loss for words.

The darkness is creeping up on me again. I think. I want to curl up into bed all the time, I'm exhausted for no reason. I don't feel capable of doing anything, barely moving, barely breathing. I present a pretty together face to the outside world, but when I'm alone, for the first time in my life, I'm lonely.

I treasure time to myself. Normally, anyway. Time for solitude is something that I require in order to keep from going batshit insane. I love traveling alone, time spent wandering a bookstore on my own, reading under a tree in the summer with no distractions. But lately, I'm feeling like something's missing when I'm alone.

I'm terrified that the 'I want to sleep constantly' is a symptom of the depression backsliding. I've had a couple of these events over the last year, when the depression worsens. You'd think I'd be able to recognize it for what it is, having a bit of experience with it. Not so much. I'm unsure if the sleepiness is a natural inclination because its dark, and cold, and not a hell of a lot is happening in Ohio in February, or if it is indicative of a miasma rising up around me.

I made an appointment with my family doctor for next week; its been about 4 months since I've talked with him about the meds, and it is time, even if we make no changes. What upsets me about this is that he said last time we spoke if the 450 mg/day of Wellbutrin wasn't getting it, then he'd add Effexor. I don't want a second medication. Plus the side effects of it listed on Drugs.com scare the hell out of me; sleepiness, suicidal thoughts (!!!!!!), extreme thirst, higher blood pressure. I'm already thirsty all the time, and I already bruise easily, another potential side effect. It also looks to me like I wouldn't be able to take my sleeping pill if I was taking Effexor, which would be extremely bad. On the upside, it is used to treat anxiety. My anxiety levels haven't been this high since.....high school? When I was wound so tight that any tighter and I'd have broken, splintered into millions of bits.

Fret, worry, fret, worry, fret, worry. Ugh, I'm sick of this cycle.

7 comments:

Dawna said...

You know what? I'm on Effexor and it has been GREAT! The only side effect I've come across is that I get horrible twitchy, like I've been plugged into a socket, if I miss my pills. That's it. I was at the max dosage of 300mg for November and December, and now I'm at 150, and frankly, I haven't felt this good in a very very VERY long time.

It took a little while, but I don't even have bad days anymore. For handling insomnia, I piggy back tradozone/Desyrel (think it is called) but because Effexor is primarily an anti-anxiety, sleeping isn't much of an issue considering that it is anxiety that normally keeps people awake.

I don't know how other anti-depressants work, but Effexor can take a long time to really start working at 100%. I've been taking it for just over 6 months now, and like I said earlier, I haven't felt this good in a long time! There are several others with whom I have spoken who take Effexor, as little as 35mg/day just to deal with day to day issues. My doctor highly recommends it because it combines both anxiety and depression, and a lot of people are anxious due to depression or depressed due to anxiety.

It is like killing two birds with one stone.

And just because some possible side effects are listed, we have to remember that they are "possible" and not "probable". You take very good care of yourself, physically, so I doubt you'll have any big problems. Usually the side effects are exacerbated by lurking issues the person has already. Or, well, that's my take on it. Another side effect is waking up and signing first thing in the morning. LOL

Lucy Arin said...

That's why I made the appointment with the doc...I tend to over-analyze stuff, and I'm actually willing to let him be the doctor on this. For once.

I don't know if I can handle something taking six months to work for me, though...

MotherMe said...

I've got no advice or comment, but I hear ya.

John said...

From Songs of Innocence, by William Blake

Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

And can He who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear -

And not sit beside the nest,
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear?

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

He doth give His joy to all:
He becomes an infant small,
He becomes a man of woe,
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh,
And thy Maker is not by:
Think not thou canst weep a tear,
And thy Maker is not near.

O He gives to us His joy,
That our grief He may destroy:
Till our grief is fled and gone
He doth sit by us and moan.

Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

And can He who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear -

And not sit beside the nest,
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear?

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

He doth give His joy to all:
He becomes an infant small,
He becomes a man of woe,
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh,
And thy Maker is not by:
Think not thou canst weep a tear,
And thy Maker is not near.

O He gives to us His joy,
That our grief He may destroy:
Till our grief is fled and gone
He doth sit by us and moan.




You are not alone in this darkness. I am glad to pause and breathe a prayer for you on this day, my friend.

Blessings.

John

John said...

For some reason the cut and paste function doubled the poem - you can figure it out...

John

Lucy Arin said...

Everyone-

I've figured out the super-tired; my body has been fighting off a miserable head cold that manifested itself today. DH had it, and he slept about 13-14 hours a day when he was feeling the most awful. But I'm keeping the appointment with the doc anyway, because I truly do think I'm backsliding a little.

MM-
I know you're always a willing ear. And I appreciate it, more than you will probably ever know. My friends have kept me from falling off of the edge over the last year. Thank you.

John-
Ain't technology grand? I appreciate the thought and the prayers.

I'm heading back to bed, y'all. Taking oregano oil, some otc decongestants and cough syrup. I really thought I was going to avoid the creeping crud that's been making the rounds. Sigh. Guess not. Thanks for your good wishes. I'll be back when I can sit upright without getting dizzy from the sinus congestion moving around. Ick.
~LA

Anonymous said...

i just found your blog because i was googling "effexor causes bruising easily"

I got poison ivy from hugging my dog. i'm going to town scratching and i've given myself a horrible bruise

It just dawned on me that it could be the effexor
Ive taken 75mg of effexor cr a day for depression for the last 3 months. The CR stuff is time released, so side effects are definitely less because youre not getting all that medicine at once. It has helped me a lot, but i want to be off it because i don't like taking medicine in general. It was a fight to get me to take this, but my tear ducts and lack of sleep finally did me in. But it's really good that you are aware enough to even think it's depression making you down and not just your youness unable to snap out of it. I would say, be extra kind and forgiving to yourself, if your body wants sleep-give it to her because thats where you heal. and remember drugs only treat symptoms of problems, the cause of the symptoms of depression might require some more digging and lots of vitamin d and c.